The moment I found out I was pregnant with my second child. I was head over heels in love. However, at our 12 week ultrasound, I felt my world come crashing down. We were told that our baby, had two birth defects, that were possibly linked to a chromosomal abnormality. We did some blood tests and went home crushed.
That night was awful, brutal, whatever adjective you want to throw in here would probably apply. We both cried in separate areas of the house. The next day, I dropped our daughter off at the sitters house and went home. We both decided to take the day off. After reading many reports on the internet, we began to have hope that our child would be ok. That he or she would not have any chromosomal abnormalities and with some surgeries would pull through and live a normal happy life.
A week later, I got the call that again rocked my world. The blood work showed that this baby had Trisomy 18 or otherwise known as Edward's Syndrome. (Click on the like to learn more about Edwards Sydrome.) However, after lots of prayer and research again, we were hopeful that the amino would prove the blood work was inaccurate. After all, even the new blood tests that are supposedly super accurate and diagnositic are not. When it comes to checking for chormosomal abdormalities, they still have a 60% correct 40% inaccuracy rate..which let's face, is about as accurate as a coin flip.
At 15 weeks we went for an amnio. Before the amnio the Dr. did an ultrasound. However, we did not get the news we were hoping for. Instead, the Dr. found more abnormalities. They could already see the baby's liver inside the omphalocele, the cyctic hygroma on the neck, was still there and larger than before. Now, they also could see that the baby had some major skeletal deformities and at only 15 weeks they could already see that the baby had some major heart defects. The Dr. said, just based upon this ultrasound, he felt confident in saying with almost 100% certinty that this baby had Edwards Syndrome (Trisomy 18). Not the answer we hoped for.
Once you are given a diagnosis of "incompatiable with life" you are told about your options. Before this I always said, I could never do that. However, when face with this situation, ending the heartache was all that I could think of. For us, just considering this brought on increadible sadness. Trying to control a situation that we needed to give over to God, filled us with constent anguish. I didn't even realize that I was so sad. I thought I was "handling" it well. Looking back I was irritably, tired, lacked motivation, and was definetely NOT happy. Let me paint a picture for you... Imagine, having to go to work (I am a teacher) and put on a happy face and pretend that everything is normal with your pregnancy when little first graders ask about the baby. Acting happy when your 4 year old daughter hugs and kisses your belly, because you are not going to worry her with adult problems. 2 of your best friends, whom you were very happy for, are pregnant with you. IT was TORTURE!
One day at work everything just became too much. I could not pull it together and stop crying and decided I needed to go home. I had a dear friend call me. She talked to me about submitting to God's will, not even knowing that we had considered ending the pregnancy. She explained to me that God sometimes allows us to walk a path that will break our hearts, but he will use it to change us. She prayed with me. She made me feel better, but my heart was still kicking and screaming. I did not want to face the unknown of waiting for "something" to happen on it's own. I was terrified of the possibilities.
The next day, I went to my OB for a check up. He asked, if I was going to contact the hospital to end the pregnancy. Of course I became very emotional and said that every time I think about it, I can't stop crying and bring myself to make the call. I didn't know if and I could go through with it or live with myself after. He looked me straight in the eyes and said, "Honey, that is God talking to you. Just let God take care of it!" These are words I will never forget. I truly believe that God was trying to speak to me, but I just wasn't listening. Well...Message received God!
That day my husband and I decided to trust God. We surrendered the pregnancy and the diagnosis to God. We knew that he would take care of this in his own perfect timing. WOW...did we feel a million pounds lighter and instantly felt peace.
I believe that God NEVER does this to people, especially children. A very dear friend and pastor told me, sometimes our bodies just fail. I believe that God has the power to perform a miracle or will allow you to travel down a difficult path because he sees the bigger picture. I know that through this journey God has our back! He was walking this with us, carrying us when necessary, and cried when we cried. He is a good and loving God. I knew that this trial was not meant to harm us, but would only make us stronger!
(At the time when I first started writing this post, I was 26 weeks.)
I am now 26 weeks. This little babies heart is beating stronger than ever! I love to feel his little squirms and wiggles, knowing that this might be all that I get. I will be his mother for as long as I possibly can.
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