I titled this Walking the Journey because we knew the moment we surrendered and let God take control, it would be a journey. A journey where we would be forever changed.
Every morning I would wake up and wait to see if I could feel my little guy move. It was a bittersweet moment every morning. Part of me would pray that he would go to Heaven so that his body would be perfect and so he could run and be happy. The other part me would give a sigh of relieve every time I could feel him kick. I no longer was going to the Dr. every week to check for heart tones, but now once a month. Every time I would go in to the office, I would hear a normal strong heart beat. I would leave with a smile on my face knowing I had more time with my little guy.
Going to work was my way to keep my mind from wondering about all the what-ifs. What if he is born alive? How long will he live? What if the tests were wrong? Should I make the hospital do testing before we make any decisions about life support? Will we let our daughter meet him? What will we tell her? The questions were endless. At work my students would ask do you know if you are having a boy or girl? They would rub my belly and tell me my stomach keeps getting bigger. For a brief moment I was able to put on a happy face and pretend that everything was normal.
Dealing with the diagnosis of the pregnancy was so much easier now that we chose to submit to God's plan. The biggest change, I started to enjoy being pregnant again.
Flash forward...
June 13, 2016
Through my entire pregnancy I have had Braxton Hicks contractions. However, for the last day or so I have been unable to feel him move. The only way that I know that he is in there is when I am having a contraction. I have a feeling that I can't explain, but I know he is gone.
I called up the Dr. and asked for a heart tones check.
As I suspected, Matthew is gone.
I called my husband to tell him that our son is gone. Before you wonder why he was not with me...I called him at work that morning and told him I was going to go to the Dr. and that he needed to stay at work. My husband is the most supportive and loving person I know. In fact through this entire ordeal, we have grown closer than ever.
I went home and we had to decide if we were going to go into the hospital that night or the next day. The Dr. wanted me to go straight there, but I had to go home and hug my husband and talk to my daughter.
My husband and I decided that we would sit down with our daughter and talk to her. Then, go into the hospital as a family. He and Ashley would leave me there and he would have some daddy daughter time before leaving her with the grandparents the next day. This seemed like the best transition for our daughter who had no idea there was ever a problem with her brother.
When we told our daughter I was super nervous. I sat her sweet 5 year old self on my lap and told her that Matthew was very sick and he died. The look on her face broke my heart. Then, in true child form she asked, why is your belly still big? In her mind Matthew was already in heaven. This answered our question, do we let her see him once he is delivered. The answer was NO. He was in heaven and there was no baby in her mind. She then hugged us and said it's ok, God will give us another one. I love the faith of a child. So matter of fact and so innocent. With those words I knew that God would bless us with another child to love, not replace, but to love and add to our now family of 4.
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